Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. -Mary Shelley

Since my last post, days, months and a full year went by at a lightening speed. By the time I got back to my senses and visited the blog again,  I just realized it has been a whole one year. A lot has happened.
Since September last year, ABS stopped coming to work. His health deteriorated but he was still reachable by emails.

We had a really important workshop in November 2016 and I had no hope that he will join. So I made all the arrangements by myself. A day before the workshop, I sent him updates and assured him that I can manage things in office and he should focus on getting better. He replied that he will join the meeting. I could not believe this, I was really really really happy. I could not be more thankful to him. I guess this was his way of saying that he cares for me and he will never leave me.

We had good meeting. I will write later about my interaction with him during the meeting. After November ABS never returned to work. His condition deteriorated after the tumor removal surgery. It left him semi paralyzed and heavily speech-impaired.

Suddenly the news arrived and my worst fears were right in front of me. I had to face them. He battled till his last breath and passed away on 23rd July 2017. I spent years and months hoping and praying for a miracle, a magic to happen that will bring him back to a normal life style. All this while, I had this hope that he will be back at work. But suddenly I lost that hope too.

I went to his funeral and met his family, saw them grieving and struggling to cope up with this huge loss. Many people attended the funeral, his school and college friends, colleagues and cousins. It was satisfying to see that he was receiving lot of affection and prayers. At the same time, it was heart-breaking to see that ABS touched so many lives, yet we could not help him in anyway. I dont know how this void in our hearts can ever be filled again.

Its going to be a month, but I cant stop thinking about him. Took sometime off from work, just needed some time alone to process all this, but that doesnt seem to help. I can’t stop wondering what happens to us after we die? What has happened to him? I hope he is happy and healthy where ever he is. I wonder if he still remember me? I sometime talks to him, while I am alone and wonder if he is listening to me? if he can feel what I am feeling? or if he will still keep his promise of not leaving me alone…….

ऐसे बिखरे हैं रात दिन जैसे,
मोतियों वाला हार टूट गया,
तुमने मुझको पिरो के रखा था.......
-koi baat chale by Gulzar

Written on 26.06.2016, forgot to publish here.....

Right now, there is a lot going on and there a lot to deal with in my Life. The positive thing in this situation is that things are happening at such a lightening speed that I have not time to reminiscent or regret about past. Flip side is that its taking a toll on my emotions. But as they say, good or bad, be thankful to God that Life is moving.

I had been dealing with a lot of emotions lately. The situation has been that one of my fellow human being, call him ABS is facing a life threatening situation. I have utmost respect for him and he is the person I want in my Life. After a lot of churning in my mind, I finally realized that there is a reason why we meet some special people in our lives, simply because they help us becoming a better person. They have such a positive impact on our personalities, that we are changed forever. Thats the way ABS has been to me.

He is suffering from cancer since quite a long time. All these years I could see him fighting, battling, struggling against this disease.  An amazing human being, who totally doesn't deserve such misfortune in his Life.

When I cannot meet him at workplace, I get stress attacks. All sort of tragic and worse situations flash in my mind. But then, I realize we all are dealing with uncertainty. Uncertainty of living this precious gift of God, Life. I tried to reason with myself that may be I am most afraid of loosing him and not able to see him or talk to him forever. So I tried to have more interactions with him. Not wasting any single day, I find one or the other way to have conversations with him (not necessarily deep ones, remember we are co-workers).

As time is passing, my fears are growing. With grown interactions, I have realized that there is so much to learn from him and there is not enough time. Knowing more about him has made me more scared of loosing him.

I am confused about my own feelings, but surely there is a tremendous sense of attachment with him. As of now, I don't know how to deal with these feelings. So writing them down here. Just leaving open ended thread of my feelings. I hope they don't get entangled. May be some day, when I will revisit these pages,  I hope I will be able to see what fabric these emotions have created.

Till then keep hanging and have faith.............  

Are we really Strangers?

How many times have you wished to have a conversation with a completely "unknown person"? How many times have you felt the urge to vent out your feelings to somebody who doesnt know you? Who doesn't know who you are or what you do or which part of the world you live in, but still knows how you feel? How many times you want to reach out to an "outsider", just to make him laugh on your silliest joke.

I am sure many of us have gone into chat rooms to talk to those "unknown people" just to share a joke or smile. Some or the other time in our lives, we feel the need to "share". Share the most invaluable moment of feeling. Feeling of happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress, nervousness, naughtiness.

I wonder why this happens? We all are surrounded by our friends, family, co-workers. Cant we share with them? Yes, we do! but only the superficial, apolitical views. The more we know a person, the less we wish to share the deep secrets inside, just to be on safer side. Coz the more you know a person, the more you know what makes him sad or angry and thats why you start hiding things. Starts to have a barrier on the vent of your feelings.

I think what makes talking or reaching out to strangers easier, is that no one cares. No one cares if they get hurt by something you say about third person or situation. No one worries about taking his/her time, coz they are here purely by their own choice. And thats why if they are really "unknown" you dont care if they just snub you out and go away. Sometimes, I wish to be that stranger with whom I can share his agony of heartbreak or the helplessness of chronic disease or even an excitement-cum-nervousness of going abroad.

I wonder why do we all feel like this? May be because we all experience same kind of emotion at some point in time in our lives. May be the best form of letting out our feelings is by sharing. May be we all have the need to connect with each other. May be after all, the details like Name, Age, Sex, Location doesnt matter, when you are emotionally charged up and really really want to empty your heart out.

Do you remember how many time you have shared an expression of feeling with a stranger? Given a smile to passerby. A frowning look with the driver when you both are stuck in traffic. A kindness look when you offered your place to an old person in public transport.

May be we all share something in common apart from "feelings", the need to share those feelings. So, in-spite of all our ignorance towards each other, we are not exactly complete "strangers" coz we share something common. We know each other as "strangers". We know the "unknown" inside each other.

So, next time when I meet someone, I wont call him a "stranger". May be "unknown-insider"?

Just because you think you're RIGHT, doesnt actually make you RIGHT..........Time to get your facts clear!