Are we coward?? Not really!!

Most of us fear from some or the other thing. There is a special word for it "phobia" which generally means fear of something. This fear can be of anything or anybody. It might be from lizards, skin rashes, heights or closed spaces. But we all share one common fear that is "fear of death". The thought of death makes us sad and brings a feeling of failure. Failure of not being able to do things which we had planned. Fear that grabs each one of us when we step out of our homes, when something or other happens. We might not be able to say something to someone that we longed to. Because with death the hope of tomorrow dies. The hope that we might overcome our regrets, might mend our relationships, might prove ourselves as strong individuals, might live happier moments than we did. 

No! Am not going to preach: "live as if you are to die tomorrow",  rather I question why we fear death or what is it that makes it so special that everyone has fear of it, every living person. If we are capable of leaping onto Moon, if we are capable of touch limitless boundaries than how can we be scared of death? 

I think we don't fear death rather we fear the time when it happens. All of us live Life in fear of the moment of death, because no one knows when it comes. There is no rule, no law, no equation, no certainity. Our fear is for that very moment when we are completely unprepared and vulnerable. You may say that people who suffer from some chronic ailment know when they will die. I think, they still fear about the uncertainty of it.  In older times Sages used to predict their own death. Months before they die they finish all their unfinished business so that they are prepared for that one moment. Those sages never feared death rather they embraced it right on its face no matter how harsh it was. 

So, our biggest fear is not death but the uncertainty attached to it. Humans have power to push their limits, to go beyond the unapproached, unexplored. Then can we be so coward to have fear of death? Not really! our greatest and biggest fear is the not exactly the "death"  itself, but the "uncertainty" attached with it.

Written on 15.07.2011 ( forgot to publish)

I am having wonderful time at home, I try to meet as many friends as I can. Went to a friend's marriage in Bhubaneswar. Traditions were different from what I have seen. Truth is,  I haven't attended any marriage since long time. So I dont really know how exactly marriages take place in northern India.
My trip to Bangalore was good, I visited my friends, but importantly it was to see my first pet, a goldfish. It was a little, tiny goldfish, but for me she was my inner strength. She gave me confidence that I can take care of others and of myself. She was my companion, she used to listen carefully each and every word I told her. Yet she never disclosed any secret to anyone.  She was with one of my friend in Bangalore, but died two days before I reached Bangalore. I felt very sad, but I have no regrets of leaving my fish to a friend's place. I am sure she must have taken care of my baby, as much as she could.

I am not sure if you ever had a pet in your life, but I can assure you that it is a wonderful experience. Its just like taking care of your own baby. The bonding that you have with your pet is kind of a lifeline to you and to your pet. My pet was special to me for two reasons. First she was a fish and I love fishes (but not in my plate). Second, she was a christmas present for me. The best gift I have got till date.

We cannot hold anything in life. Forget about materialistic things, we can't even hold back memories. They fade with time, just like scars......

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. -Mary Shelley

Since my last post, days, months and a full year went by at a lightening speed. By the time I got back to my senses and visited the blog again,  I just realized it has been a whole one year. A lot has happened.
Since September last year, ABS stopped coming to work. His health deteriorated but he was still reachable by emails.

We had a really important workshop in November 2016 and I had no hope that he will join. So I made all the arrangements by myself. A day before the workshop, I sent him updates and assured him that I can manage things in office and he should focus on getting better. He replied that he will join the meeting. I could not believe this, I was really really really happy. I could not be more thankful to him. I guess this was his way of saying that he cares for me and he will never leave me.

We had good meeting. I will write later about my interaction with him during the meeting. After November ABS never returned to work. His condition deteriorated after the tumor removal surgery. It left him semi paralyzed and heavily speech-impaired.

Suddenly the news arrived and my worst fears were right in front of me. I had to face them. He battled till his last breath and passed away on 23rd July 2017. I spent years and months hoping and praying for a miracle, a magic to happen that will bring him back to a normal life style. All this while, I had this hope that he will be back at work. But suddenly I lost that hope too.

I went to his funeral and met his family, saw them grieving and struggling to cope up with this huge loss. Many people attended the funeral, his school and college friends, colleagues and cousins. It was satisfying to see that he was receiving lot of affection and prayers. At the same time, it was heart-breaking to see that ABS touched so many lives, yet we could not help him in anyway. I dont know how this void in our hearts can ever be filled again.

Its going to be a month, but I cant stop thinking about him. Took sometime off from work, just needed some time alone to process all this, but that doesnt seem to help. I can’t stop wondering what happens to us after we die? What has happened to him? I hope he is happy and healthy where ever he is. I wonder if he still remember me? I sometime talks to him, while I am alone and wonder if he is listening to me? if he can feel what I am feeling? or if he will still keep his promise of not leaving me alone…….

ऐसे बिखरे हैं रात दिन जैसे,
मोतियों वाला हार टूट गया,
तुमने मुझको पिरो के रखा था.......
-koi baat chale by Gulzar

Written on 26.06.2016, forgot to publish here.....

Right now, there is a lot going on and there a lot to deal with in my Life. The positive thing in this situation is that things are happening at such a lightening speed that I have not time to reminiscent or regret about past. Flip side is that its taking a toll on my emotions. But as they say, good or bad, be thankful to God that Life is moving.

I had been dealing with a lot of emotions lately. The situation has been that one of my fellow human being, call him ABS is facing a life threatening situation. I have utmost respect for him and he is the person I want in my Life. After a lot of churning in my mind, I finally realized that there is a reason why we meet some special people in our lives, simply because they help us becoming a better person. They have such a positive impact on our personalities, that we are changed forever. Thats the way ABS has been to me.

He is suffering from cancer since quite a long time. All these years I could see him fighting, battling, struggling against this disease.  An amazing human being, who totally doesn't deserve such misfortune in his Life.

When I cannot meet him at workplace, I get stress attacks. All sort of tragic and worse situations flash in my mind. But then, I realize we all are dealing with uncertainty. Uncertainty of living this precious gift of God, Life. I tried to reason with myself that may be I am most afraid of loosing him and not able to see him or talk to him forever. So I tried to have more interactions with him. Not wasting any single day, I find one or the other way to have conversations with him (not necessarily deep ones, remember we are co-workers).

As time is passing, my fears are growing. With grown interactions, I have realized that there is so much to learn from him and there is not enough time. Knowing more about him has made me more scared of loosing him.

I am confused about my own feelings, but surely there is a tremendous sense of attachment with him. As of now, I don't know how to deal with these feelings. So writing them down here. Just leaving open ended thread of my feelings. I hope they don't get entangled. May be some day, when I will revisit these pages,  I hope I will be able to see what fabric these emotions have created.

Till then keep hanging and have faith.............