Written on 15.07.2011 ( forgot to publish)

I am having wonderful time at home, I try to meet as many friends as I can. Went to a friend's marriage in Bhubaneswar. Traditions were different from what I have seen. Truth is,  I haven't attended any marriage since long time. So I dont really know how exactly marriages take place in northern India.
My trip to Bangalore was good, I visited my friends, but importantly it was to see my first pet, a goldfish. It was a little, tiny goldfish, but for me she was my inner strength. She gave me confidence that I can take care of others and of myself. She was my companion, she used to listen carefully each and every word I told her. Yet she never disclosed any secret to anyone.  She was with one of my friend in Bangalore, but died two days before I reached Bangalore. I felt very sad, but I have no regrets of leaving my fish to a friend's place. I am sure she must have taken care of my baby, as much as she could.

I am not sure if you ever had a pet in your life, but I can assure you that it is a wonderful experience. Its just like taking care of your own baby. The bonding that you have with your pet is kind of a lifeline to you and to your pet. My pet was special to me for two reasons. First she was a fish and I love fishes (but not in my plate). Second, she was a christmas present for me. The best gift I have got till date.

We cannot hold anything in life. Forget about materialistic things, we can't even hold back memories. They fade with time, just like scars......

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. -Mary Shelley

Since my last post, days, months and a full year went by at a lightening speed. By the time I got back to my senses and visited the blog again,  I just realized it has been a whole one year. A lot has happened.
Since September last year, ABS stopped coming to work. His health deteriorated but he was still reachable by emails.

We had a really important workshop in November 2016 and I had no hope that he will join. So I made all the arrangements by myself. A day before the workshop, I sent him updates and assured him that I can manage things in office and he should focus on getting better. He replied that he will join the meeting. I could not believe this, I was really really really happy. I could not be more thankful to him. I guess this was his way of saying that he cares for me and he will never leave me.

We had good meeting. I will write later about my interaction with him during the meeting. After November ABS never returned to work. His condition deteriorated after the tumor removal surgery. It left him semi paralyzed and heavily speech-impaired.

Suddenly the news arrived and my worst fears were right in front of me. I had to face them. He battled till his last breath and passed away on 23rd July 2017. I spent years and months hoping and praying for a miracle, a magic to happen that will bring him back to a normal life style. All this while, I had this hope that he will be back at work. But suddenly I lost that hope too.

I went to his funeral and met his family, saw them grieving and struggling to cope up with this huge loss. Many people attended the funeral, his school and college friends, colleagues and cousins. It was satisfying to see that he was receiving lot of affection and prayers. At the same time, it was heart-breaking to see that ABS touched so many lives, yet we could not help him in anyway. I dont know how this void in our hearts can ever be filled again.

Its going to be a month, but I cant stop thinking about him. Took sometime off from work, just needed some time alone to process all this, but that doesnt seem to help. I can’t stop wondering what happens to us after we die? What has happened to him? I hope he is happy and healthy where ever he is. I wonder if he still remember me? I sometime talks to him, while I am alone and wonder if he is listening to me? if he can feel what I am feeling? or if he will still keep his promise of not leaving me alone…….

ऐसे बिखरे हैं रात दिन जैसे,
मोतियों वाला हार टूट गया,
तुमने मुझको पिरो के रखा था.......
-koi baat chale by Gulzar